Flip the Switch

I could pinpoint the moment that my brain finally clicked and said, “Why do you think you have an image to uphold? Why do you think that you’re so special that anyone cares what your body looks like or that it has changed? You’re so vain.”

That was it. It was the turning point of my body image problem. I won’t shoot rainbows up your ass and tell you that I’m cured, but it was the turning point. I’m still here in the beginning, but I think I’m headed in the right direction. Except that my dumbass somehow just actually typed wrong while saying right in my head, so take my opinions with a grain of salt anyway. 

I was skinny in high school, very skinny. I was always the thinnest person in the room, well usually. It wasn’t due to any effort on my behalf, it was just my metabolism. Because I ate like a horse. I had no problem stuffing a 32 oz porterhouse with a side of mashed potatoes and a salad in my face with room for dessert. There is no scientific explanation for how that was physically possible as a size 0, but I did it. Once when I was little my grandpa and grandma took to me a Mexican restaurant where I pigged out. He looked at me and said “where the hell did you put it all?” to which I quickly replied, “in my stomach, but when that was full I filled my uterus.” They died laughing and I never heard the end of it. 

People often called me anorexic or other shitty words. For some reason, people think it is okay to make negative comments about a person's body if they are thin, and it’s honestly so rude. My mom had people ask her if I had an eating disorder. I didn’t, not initially anyway.

Not only was I a size zero, but my chest was as flat as my ass. One time, in my freshman year (ouch), I got a pixie cut. I have no idea what I was thinking because they weren’t popular and I certainly could NOT pull it off. I started my freshman year of high school with nearly no knowledge of makeup application because was only allowed foundation and mascara, but also flat-chested and almost bald. I will never forget when Ted, may he RIP, sat behind me in math class and said on the very first day “Hey, are you a boy or a girl?” He was not asking in a friendly way either. That sentence has stuck with me my entire life. I’m 37 and I still replay that moment. 

Being “thin” was the only desirable trait I felt that I had. I KNEW other girls wanted to be that thin, but I hated it because it came without the goods. When I went from 103 lbs to 106 I started stealing my mom's diet pills. Friends noticed and became concerned, but I struggled with the fear that I would gain weight, and still be “ugly” or “boyish” so I felt I had to hang on to that little waist. I never got over 106 lbs until after I graduated, and I was taller than average.

Anyway, I’m getting off on duck trails here.

I have a habit of psychoanalyzing myself these days, at least my degree is good for something. My point is that I was always known as the skinny girl and that stuck with me. It was like society created this identity for me and I felt some obligation to uphold that as an adult, subconsciously. I think the ganja has a way of helping me reach into the deep recesses of my subconscious and pull out some random fact or reason, and this time I hit gold.

I don’t owe anyone anything regarding my body. And I finally realize that THEY DON’T THINK I DO EITHER!

It’s just me! My subconscious *thinks* that they think that I’m some kind of fraud because I’m 50 pounds heavier nearly 20 years after high school!!! I am willing to bet that not a single person from my high school has given a single micro thought about MY weight. Why would they? I wasn’t even popular, hahaha. That is when I discovered that my vanity thinks that people think about me when in reality the only person that *might* have even had a chuckle at my weight gain was that one bitch that failed at stealing my boyfriend. 

Listen, I know this isn’t a breakthrough for everyone but it certainly was a switch-flipping for me. I am a full-grown, nearly middle-aged, woman, with three nearly grown children and I am perfectly fine to stay at the weight I am forever if I want to. I am not unhealthy. I do not need to lose weight to be a “better” person. I am fine the way I am.